A rose

Since finding out, I had posted about it on FB and told friends and family members who didn't know. All offered words of encouragement that I greatly appreciate and love them for.

But like most things, until you live it you don't really understand it. I'm not "boo hoo-ing" about being adopted. I know my birth mother could have ended my life. Or chosen to keep me in conditions that weren't great. I know she did it out of love. I've carried three babies and could never image how hard it is to do something like that. I'm not mad at my parents, although some anger about never being told sneaks in. But I get why they did it. I totally see my mom never wanting to me find out because she didn't like to discuss unpleasant things. I know they loved me. They never, ever treated me differently. If anything, my siblings will tell you I was a bit spoiled.

So what's so hard? What has me in a depressed state eating clonapins daily?

It's not knowing who I am. Meaning, where do I come from? My whole life I thought I was Jewish, Russian decscent. I thought I had my father's temper. I thought I got my handwriting from my mother. I bite my fingers like my father. I thought my metabolism was my mother's fault. It goes on and on. Now, I don't know where I got anything. Who gave me this crazy mess of blonde hair or huge hips that have passed down to my children? Was someone a writer? Did someone give me my love of acting (that I never have time to do). Am I german? Maybe polish?

I'm a lovely rose in a vase. I had been nurtured and loved and cultivated to be the person I am today by my parents. But I have no roots. Without roots, I'm stuck in vase and feel like I'm wilting. A bit dramatic but best way to describe it at 3:30 a.m.

I miss my parents so much. I wish my father could tell me about my adoption because he had such a flair for stories he would have made it sound amazing.

Some of the comments I've received almost make me feel like I should just smile and be glad I was choosen! How easy that would be to do and how I wish I could only focus on that and move on. And I will, in time. But for now, it's not something one learns in the middle of their lives and can just push aside as a "blessing."