Thinking about "her"

I haven't thought much about my birth mother until today. I wondered what it must have been like for her to give birth and have to give a child away. I've had three children and could never imagine doing so. I'd like to think she loved me enough to do it.

Then I wondered if I was the product of a young love. My thoughts turned more negative and hoped I wasn't  here because she was a drunk or drug user or, worse..a product of rape. That thought bothered me..a lot. And my little fantasies of being the child of two young lovers quickly vanished and I immediatly felt depressed again.

That's one reason I'm afraid to try to search. My exhusband was adopted and he found his birth mother. It wasn't pretty. She was a severe alcoholic who had all of her 4 children taken from her by the state. His own drinking went from bad to worse after finding out. He always knew he was adopted. He was 3 when his parents took him home.

I felt horrible today. Like completely depressed. I could barely move. I was exhausted and very emotional. Of course, I assumed it was everything going which includes a whole lot of drama that isn't about my adoption so there's a lot on my mind.

Later in the day I managed to get going and took my granddaughters out for a bit. I was dizzy and it dawned on me I hadn't taken my Metformin in a day..maybe two. I'm Type 2 diabetic.
Sure enough, I tested and my sugar was 464. Well no crap I felt like ass all day. Took my meds and after some sweating, felt much better and last checked, my sugar was 140.

I need to try to not let all of this get me down to where I forget to take care of myself. I just brushed off my feeling of blues today to my situation. Sometimes, we expect to feel something more than we actually are feeling it, if that makes any sense. I've told my children that if I act like that again to gently ask if I've tested my sugar and not just assume I'm sad. I may be. But I may be so self absorbed in my thoughts about this adoption and my other strives in life that I had forgotten to take care of me and take my meds.

It's 1 a.m. and work comes soon. I dread it. I dread everything. But I push forward and do what needs to be done.