I am 46 years old about to be 47. My whole life I always felt different than my family. I didn't really look like them. Or act like them more or less. I did grow up with some of my father's mannerisms. Or so I thought.
My father died in 2001 and my mother in Oct. 2012. I'm still grieving her loss daily.
I got an email from an old family friend who said he was mailing me a long letter and that it was very important. I told my brother about it and wondered what it could be. My brother knew, of course, but didn't let on. Until about an hour later when he and my sister called me at work and said they had to talk to me right now before I got the letter.
That's how I found out I was adopted. My brother, 11 years older than me, my sister is 7 years older. They always knew. And it amazes me through all our sibling fights no one spilled the beans.
It's been a few days now and I'm not really sure if I've processed it well, or at all. So many things going through my mind. Saddness, a little anger although I'm pretty sure more of that will come. I've lost all interest in anything. I don't want to work. I don't want to clean. I don't even care about showering. I'm sure it's depression but I'm not going to take medications. This isn't a chemical imbalance. This is my life being unbalanced and unknown. So many lies.
So I decided to use this blog for a diary of sorts. I doubt anyone will read it so I'm not worrying about typos or grammar. Should someone like myself find this, and wants to contribute and share, I don't think they'll care about that either.
I've been feeling ill ever since. I push through the day, doing what I'm suppose to, barely. Nothing has changed day to day. I'm still needed..by everyone it seems some days. They don't know or understand what's going inside. I'm lost.
It's all so surreal and I find myself having to use terms like "adoptive parents." It's like another person doing it.
So this blog will be a bunch of rambling as I try to sort through this journey and learn who I am and learn to accept this blow.
Boy, what a shock. Did you ever sense this before? You must be so disoriented. So many questions. Reliving so many memories, but with a different awareness and perception. Would you have wanted to know when you were growing up? I look forward to reading your blog as you work through this.
ReplyDeleteKeep singing. Your voice is so special. Your voice heals others, so maybe it will help you too.
Love, Donna D