Anger

Been reading a lot of forums for adoptees and wow, so many are sooooo angry. Angry at adoptive parents, angry at birth mothers. I almost feel weird because I'm not angry. A little lost, confused and shocked but not angry. But I was lucky and was raised by parents who loved me and cared for me so how can I be angry at them? Even their act of not telling me I think was because they loved me, even if I disagree with their decision. Besides, what's the point of walking around angry all the time for something you can't change?

I can't be mad at my b-mother for giving me up. I'm sure whatever the reason it was the right decision. Whether it was because she couldn't take care of me or didn't want to take care me, either way, my a-parents did and so I'm sure I fared better with them.

Also giving birth to three of my own children, I cannot imagine how hard that is to give up your child, unless you're a complete cold hearted bitch and then again..I'm better off. 

I can't yell at my parents for not telling me, so why bother being angry? I've thought about it in the last 24 hours and really dug deep to see if there's regressed anger there, like I should be angry or something and nope..can't really find it. Not today anyway. Perhaps that will change. Right now, I only miss them and wish I could ask them why and tell my mother that I love her and wouldn't have mattered if I knew while she was alive. She lived her whole life in fear I'd know and leave her. I can't be mad at her. I loved her and I miss her terribly.  And my father always did what my mother wanted. He lived to please her. So I understand his loyalty to her.

Some people are born into horrible situations or even adopted into them. Not saying my childhood was perfect nor were my parents. My father was violent at times when I was younger because he suffered with his own demons and I forgave him for it long ago as I grew up and learned about life more. My mother loved to put me on guilt trips and wasn't always the most overly mushy person. But I know she loved me. My parents didn't divorce. They were joined at the hip and while sometimes a bit disfunctional, compared to other families, I had it pretty good. 

My journey is about finding out who I am. What it may or may not matter being adopted and if it changes me at all. It's about accepting something I can't change and learning not to lament about it. I got mad when someone said "this could be a great adventure." But today, I'm not mad. And think maybe it could be.