Him

I don't know if I'm healing, accepting or have gone into my typical mode of pushing things aside but I've felt better the last couple days. Not good though, because I'm sick as a dog thanks to my adorable grandbaby who got me sick. So maybe I just don't have the mental strength to deal with this along with getting better.

Last night, I felt awful and couldn't sleep. The cold is in my chest and it was hard to breath. As I laid there, I thought about my A-mother and her death and how horrible it was and wondered if she has been awake more if she would have broken down and told me but I doubt it. My heart started to pound and I quickly pushed those thoughts away or I'd never get to sleep.

I then thought about my B-father, whomever he may be. So many people want to find their b-mother but seldom do you hear much about the father. Did he know about me? Do I favor him? Was he nice or a shit?

I'm a curious person by nature. I have to touch everything and ask a gazzilion questions. It's probably why I'm a reporter. So this is just driving me nuts, all this not knowing stuff. I know, being somewhat wize by now, that often you never find the answers you want so I'll probably find out things I don't want to know and generally I'm sorry for being so nosey most of the time. It's much easier and nicer at times to live in a fantasy world.

But there's something inside me that won't ever left me just do that, just be happy with my thoughts and ideals. I have to KNOW everything. I wish I could just believe things, like the song I posted a few days ago.

I day dreamed a bit about meeting my b-parents. Of course, it was a nice reunion and it let me eventually fall asleep, at least for a bit.

I'm not even sure how to start the process of looking or even if there's a point to. I don't have money to spend. My uncle, the one who told me I was adopted, has offered to help as he helped his own daughter find her B-mother. But he's 83 and not well.

I guess we'll just see what happens.